Patchy

(cold opening, PolarKey, Kelpy, SpongeBot and Phil are in the writing room)

Phil: C'mon, c'mon, I need a new idea for an episode which will blow everyone's condoms off.

Kelpy: Stop thinking too hard, just make it simple.

Phil: Hmm, simple, eh? Simple but effective. I'm afraid the only way left to go then is plagiarism.

Kelpy: Oh boy.

Phil: But I can't take the blame, even if I credit the researchers this time. Rocky! Can you take the credit for the next LiBB episode? (Rocky, Phil's pet lobster on his desk sighs)

Rocky: Fine. But you do realise you're asking for help FROM A LOBSTER!

PolarKey: He's not asking for help from any old lobster. (goes over to their side of the room with his phone on his spinny-chair) You're a rock lobster! (plays the first five seconds of the chorus from The B-52s' Rock Lobster before Rocky jumps out of his tank and turns it off)

Rocky: GO BULLY SOMEONE YOU'RE ONE SIZE, YOU STUPID LITTLE PIECE OF SH*T! (theme song)

PolarKey: So, uh, you like the new doorbell sound? I wanna use it as the theme song for a show I'm gonna start working on.

Phil: You try too hard with these jokes sometimes. (downstairs, Travis answers the door, it's SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Excuse me but could I speak with the manager of this place?

Travis: (stares blankly then laughs) Manager? We haven't had a fricking manager in her for years! I tried signing up for the role once, but that didn't go down very well with the guys. I just stick in the corner and pull a sexual reference slash innuendo every now and then.

SpongeBob: So, who keeps everything in check?

Travis: No one. Just like 'the little thing that happens at night'. That's why people love it here.

Arch Wizard Megumin: (overhears the conversation and rushes over to interrupt) Actually, don't listen to anything this damn fool says. I'm the manager around here.

Travis: No you're no-

Arch Wizard Megumin: (hands Travis a pile of photos) Nudes. (Travis gasps in awe and runs upstairs) I'm the one who makes the important decisions, keeps the place in check, makes a load of edits on articles that messes the wiki activity, ect. So, what could I do for you?

SpongeBob: Oh, you could do plenty. I'd like to make a complaint that you lot are WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT ME, MY FRIENDS AND OUR LIFE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANGRY THAT MAKES ME FEEL?

Arch Wizard Megumin: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yeah, the most iconic NickToon and the one that YOU FAILED TO REALISE DESPITE WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS! I mean, seriously-

Arch Wizard Megumin: Security! (Kelpy and Da Nerd carry SpongeBob away)

SpongeBob: And I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you fanfiction-writing teens!

Arch Wizard Megumin: Whew. (slams door shut while we cut back to the Writing Room upstairs where PolarKey has returned to his station)

Kelpy: I should go check what just happened. I think it might've been another angry parent.

Phil: I'm sure it's nothing. (Kelpy goes downstairs)

PolarKey: Hey, Phil! I've just wrote the pilot of my new show about life in the HQ!

SpongeBot: I like that SpongeBot guy, he's cool.

Phil: Similar ideas have already been done.

PolarKey: Says the guy who's turning to plagiarism for his latest episode. (a notification pops up on his computer) Huh, I've got a new event. (gasps in horror) IT'S TRAVIS' BIRTHDAY!

Phil: Already? Wow, I can't believe I forgot.

SpongeBot: Ha ha! If you were smart like me, you would've remembered. Though I haven't, and this is quite embarassing by the way, I haven't got him a present yet. I shall just go shopping now. Want me to get anything for you guys?

Phil: Just get an extra card for Travis signed by me.

PolarKey: I would ask the same, but no one gets anything me anything for my birthday.

Rocky: You haven't told us when it is yet.

PolarKey: Fair enough. I'll pass, SpongeBot. I'll sort out a present for Travis myself. Though you could get me some mud.

SpongeBot: No, I, uh, insert excuse here.

PolarKey: Fine, I'll get it myself. (SpongeBot goes downstairs and we cut to SpongeBob walking along the road)

SpongeBob: Ugh, can't believe they threw me out. I'll try again tommorow, I'm a bit tired. Plus, I really should be getting to the Krusty Krab and the Doctor's. I have a weird disorder that makes me talk to myself.

???: (approaches SpongeBob) Did you just get kicked out from the SBFW HQ?

SpongeBob: Yeah, why?

???: The name's Arre, leader of the Anti-Spongefan League. We're a league dedicated to being against the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki.

SpongeBob: (stares blankly) You're kidding, right?

Arre: What part don't you get? Us being the Anti-Spongefan League or us being dedicated to being against-

SpongeBob: No, no, I get it. It's just that that sounds really stupid.

Arre: Yeah, I guess. Come. (they walk behind a bush and enter the ASFL Base) Welcome to the ASFL Base. Guys, we've found our sponge.

AMK: SpongeBob! We've been looking for you for ages!

Luis: Now we have an excuse!

Arre: SpongeBob, that's AMK, that's Luis and that's Jerry.

Jerry: Hi.

Arre: We've been stalking you and we've found out that you absolutely hate the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki.

SpongeBob: You've been STALKING me? You're worse than Squidward!

Arre: Guess what? We all hate SBFW too! Our plan is to destroy the SBFW HQ, demolish the wiki, destroy all other small fanfiction websites and use the army we would've built up to destroy the bigger ones! We'll rid the world of fanfiction for good!

SpongeBob: Hooray! But, may I ask why you hate SBFW so much?

AMK: I'm the leader of Encyclopedia SpongeBobia, a website where we document all information about your reality TV show. We at Encyclopedia SpongeBobia hate SBFW for some strange reason, I even joined once and tried to make peace but- (flashback, PolarKey kicks AMK out of the SBFW HQ)

PolarKey: (censored) off! (flashback over)

Luis: I was a former member of SBFW, the ASFL bribed me into joining as they needed someone who knew stuff about the wiki to destroy it.

Jerry: Hi.

Arre: I was the original founder of SBFW. (we see a flashback of him in HQ, he narrates over it) I was so excited that I had made a wiki and HQ where people could write fanfiction about SpongeBob. I waited for people to join. And I waited. And I waited. And waited, waited, waited and waited. But nobody came. I was furious. (in the flashback, his anger is voiced over by Patchy the Pirate in a sounc clip from The Sponge Who Could Fly)  Grrrrr... (his face turns red and smoke steams out of his ears)  SpongeBob betrayed us?! (runs over to a wall of framed SpongeBob pictures; begins tearing them off the wall)  I'm sorry I ever started this stupid fan club in the first place! (enters his SpongeBob merchandise filled room and starts throwing things everywhere)  I'm gonna get rid of all my SpongeBob stuff! All of it! All of it! (rips his SpongeBob underwear out)  All of it! (runs to the door)  I'm gonna run away, that's what I'll do! Run away! (runs out of the HQ crying and the flashback ends) So I created the ASFL.

SpongeBob: (stares blankly) Well, that as a stupid flashback. But I do wanna destroy SBFW for good! Sign me up! (they cheer and we cut to most of SBFW's users in the SBFW HQ lounge celebrating Travis birthday, they cheer)

Kelpy: Go on, open your presents.

Travis: OK! (opens a present from Kelpy, a tear drops) It's an already-used condom! My life is complete!

Kelpy: And that's not all! (gives Travis a ticket) One ticket to the Bikini Bottom Strip Club, tonight! (Travis faints) Travis? Travis?

Phil: I think he just sh*t himself.

Timmy: I'm scared. (the doorbell goes, this time it's the first line of Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday')

Phil: I'll get it. (answers the door)

Mason: Hi, my names' Mason and I'm Timmy's brother. I'd like to request for admin, I'll get rid of all naughty words and sexual content and I'll greet new people and 'help people I something going on'. (Phil begins to close the door) I'd also like people to make title cards for SpongeBob time and- (the door is shut)

SpongeBot: Who's that?

Kelpy: Just another minor. ( the doorbell goes again)

Phil: (opens the door) Look, I don't know who you are but- (realises it's PolarKey with someone else) Oh, who's this?

PolarKey: This is a recurring user here, her name is Bong. She's the only girl besides Ponyo, who's y'know, hibernating. Though she did throw that movie night yesterday. That given, Perfect Blue did suck. Back on topic, my gift to Travis.

Travis: (gets up) Ooh, I smell boobies! (rushes to the door) Hello, lady! So, you come here often?

Bong: (stares blankly) If you need me, I'll be at Fiction Foundry. (leaves)

Travis: You'll pay for this. (takes out the pictures from earlier) At least I have (serious voice) Arch Wizard Megumin's nudes. (goes back to the lounge with Phil)

PolarKey: Well (censored) me.

Travis: OK! (comes running back)

PolarKey: Oh sh*t! (fin)

(post credits scene, Arch Wizard Megumin is going through some paperwork in the proposal room)

Arch Wizard Megumin: So Goku's submitted a request for admin, eh? Why not, might as well make everyone (censored) admin. (proper fin)